Warning: A long post...
This blog has been so much fun since I started it. I've met so many wonderful people. I've read some very inspiring stories. People have shared their lives with me. I spend a lot of time either thinking about a great post or reading one of yours.
I've come to realize something. How could it be that I spend so much time on this, yet still wake up in the middle of the night feeling like someone is sitting on my chest? Am I really authentic? Am I just piggy-back riding all of your relationships with God? Doesn't having God in my life mean I will be at peace and trust Him that my life will be okay no matter what? Don't I always ask Him for His will to be done, not mine?
A couple of verses have been on my mind these past couple of days. One I heard on T.V. and the other I read somewhere. They made me stop in my tracks as if I heard them for the first time. One is the simplest verse that almost any christian can recite. You know it...
John 3:16. "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
He would have done it if I was the only person on this earth. He would have done it if I was the only person on this earth. Yes, I've heard that many times... But have I really believed it? Or have I thought it was for all of us? I think my relationship with Christ needs to be deeper than it is. It's about me. It's about my personal relationship with God. He loves me that much!
The other one... the one that I tried to think about in the middle of the night was this...
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
Psalm 28:7 The LORD is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and I am helped...
Do you really trust me, Angie? Do you really trust me, Angie? I want to trust Him, yet I always seem to try to trust myself, not God. I really do know it in my head, but there is a problem getting the message to my heart. In the depths of my heart, (especially in the middle of the night) I still remember how in my first marriage trust was an issue. It was basically destroyed. He worked in an office with several women and is now married to one of them. Now, (14 years later) it's time for my new husband to hire women to work for him in his new office. I am freaking out! There... I said it! Maybe my heart isn't as healed as I thought it was because I am trying to trust myself and learn to trust my husband. My head knows he is a faithful husband, but my heart doesn't know for sure. I better trust God!
I feel better just getting this off my chest.
I appreciate your prayers.
Love,
Angie xoxo
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12 comments:
It's a process! Don't be so hard on yourself :) Easier said than done, I know! Lean on Him and if you can't/don't have the faith to at any given moment ... let others lean for you. That is the beauty of God's community!
Those middle of the night times are brutal. You are showing faith by going to the right Source. He will strengthen you. You are right to examine your trust; I know how hard it is to trust after you have been betrayed, but for God alone who saves and heals us. You are having some old doubts return, and that is natural. What you do with them is the difference this time--healing comes first in the form of pain. I love you, my sweet sister, and am praying for you. Heather's right. This is all God's plan and is a process almost always, not an instant thing. love you bunches, annie
What a great post! I am confident that we have all felt or do feel like that at times! In fact I've just come through a season of my life plagued by anxiety and fear. To be honest, Satan has been bringing the fears back to my mind. I often feel bad b/c I can't just be happy and at peace. I thought there was something I wasn't doing right or not doing something enough. For me sometimes my hardest struggles are when I'm not walking with the Lord (obviously) but NOT always (and not during my season of anxiety)! In fact, there have been times when I am walking with the Lord and I still feel somewhat out of control. Those are the times I know the enemy is opposing me. In fact my boyfriend was reading a book a while back (i'll ask him the name) and the lady in it was talking about how she would wake up in the middle of the night and feel like she had a literal weight on her chest. She later went on to talk about the enemy's schemes and how she believes its more spiritual warfare than anyhting. I don't want to sound hoakie or anything but I truly believe that stuff. After I read Captivating my eyes were opened up to that aspect so much. I didn't realize how much satan wants to cripple us and he'll use our most vulnerable insecurities (trust, fear, anxiety, etc) to do it!!! Just the fact that you've shared this proves that you are calling his bluff! You're right, God did send His Son to die for you, alone! And whether or not you are able to embrace it 24/7 doesn't make it any less true!!
Sorry for the crazy long comment!!!! I really am glad you shared what you did!
Thanks for being so transparent with us all. Believe me, you are not the only one who struggles, but Hillary said it perfectly...you are calling satans bluff. Keep calling it, dont let it into your head.
Keep Proverbs 3:5 close to your heart and call on it often. Thats the awesome thing about hiding God's Word in our hearts...we can call on it whether it's the middle of the night or during our crazy day, it is always there.
Knowing that you are trusting in God....and deepening your relationship with Him.
Love Ya!
Feeling for you today. Maybe it would help to think about your dental office - if your employers is male. Probably many ladies there - you can trust your husband with his staff - it's deep inside the hurt lingers on.
It's so disconcerting that the past causes us grief. Not sure if this is something to discuss with Lincoln - he may be open to it or furious it even entered your mind.I know a verse which may help a wee bit: Casting all your cares - - - Love & a big hug Jean
I'm praying for you Angie. One of my most favorite verses is "Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Easier said than done but its a prayer that we need to all pray over and over and over again when facing difficulty. Trust HIM Angie and He'll do His wonderful thing through your husband.
Praying for you~
Fran
Angie,
I'm confident because you are pressing into HIM and HIS word your trust and confidence in HIM will too. I too have an issue with trust I'm praying and working out with the Lord. Let's keep each other encouraged to remember our hope is in HIM.
Blessings in Christ--
Angie, I for one have felt exactly those feelings.....my husband works with a number of pretty women......that old jealousy thing is so common with women. I have no doubt, absolutely not one, that my husband would never break his vows, however, sometimes that little feeling creeps in....and the bottom line is, we none of us can control a thing....unless the Lord builds the home, those who build, build in vain! and the key is Who is building our homes? Trust and obey, for theirs no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey. I sang that song every Sunday nite of my growing up years! And it is true.
I use my time mistrust to praise the Lord that He will NEVER fail. He is TRUSTWORTHY. We are married to sinners and we ourselves are sinners. That is why our most IMPORTANT relationship is with our God. Use your trust in Him to carry you through prayer for your husband.
Thanks for sharing and being vulnerable. I thought of all places for people to where masks, it should not be in blog land. This is a place where judgement and hyposcrisy shouldn't happen!
Thanks for keepin' it real.
Here via Holly's blog. I hear your heart and the words of my morning devotional came to my mind, "Faith is not believing in my own unshakable belief. Faith is believing an unshakable God when everything in me trembles and quakes." -Beth Moore.
PS I live in MI too!
Angie, the realness in this post blessed me to read... Not to mention, tendered my heart. Thank you for being as honest as you were. It was really refreshing. Not that we need to always let it all out- for there is always room for some privacy- but it does all our hearts some good when women remove their masks. None of us have it all together; although we wish we did!
I lift you up, even now. Lord, may you draw my sister's thoughts toward Your truth, as she desires to seek and trust You in all things. You are her Hope, You are her Present Salvation, You are her Strength, You are her Peace, and You alone hold her together even when she feels as if she is falling apart. Even when circumstances reveal the hidden fears of our hearts, I pray that she would receive the hidden gift in it as well, which is, the invitation of Your Spirit to draw closer into You. Thus, intimacy with You becomes richer, which is where we find most peace, joy, and delight anyway. May it be so, Lord.
Blessings to you, Sweet Sister!
tammie
Trust is one of THE most important things to have for someone. I can't help but think you're beating yourself up over something that you simply can't help. You've been hurt when your trust was destroyed by your first husband. Of course you're leary of experiencing the same situation again. It doesn't mean you're bad or faithless or lacking. It means you're human. Shame on your first husband for taking that wonderful sense of innocence away from you, but you wouldn't be human if that painful experience wasn't still hanging around somewhere inside your mind. I know it's upsetting because you feel like you're punishing your husband now, but those feelings will pass - trust is very valuable and having it shattered has a ripple effect on you and those around you for a long time to come. You'll be okay. Talk to God and remember - you're not perfect, God knows that and he's okay with it. You should be, too!!
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