Especially Grateful

Since it's the last Thursday of 2011 I thought I'd summarize what I'm most thankful for this year.

I am most Grateful for:

My husband and his hard work to support us this year and the confidence he gained as "sole bread winner."
The birth of Angie's Temporary Dental Hygiene Service and all of the dentists who hired me.
That I had the courage to stand up for myself at the hearing for my unemployment.
That although I "won" my case, I still didn't qualify for it. (It was for my good!)
That my position was eliminated so I was free to be with Dave until the end.
For the three months we had to say goodbye.
For all of the lessons God taught me through the loss of my job and the loss of my brother.
That God counts and catches our tears and holds us close.
For the closeness of my siblings and all of the time we spent together.
For the extra Grace God gave me for some difficult people as well as the ability to forgive.
For the wrinkles that I'm slowly learning to accept.
Our health.
For my faithful friends who loved and supported me with unending kindness.
That the little skin cancer was so very minor.
That I learned to more fully appreciate every single day as a gift this year.
That I know in the depth of my soul that God is still good and I'm not mad at Him for anything.
For the dream I had over at Dave's that is still crystal clear after all this time.
For my sister holding me accountable to do these Thankful Thursday posts so I won't forget to have gratitude and to be intentional about looking for the gifts God gives me.
For all of the people God put in my path this year for a reason.
That my kids are both doing so well and still love me.
That we didn't get the lake house we thought we wanted.
For trips to Florida, North Carolina and Northern Michigan.
For celebrating 10 years with Lincoln and loving him more today than 10 years ago.
For the healing & restoration in a marriage of a close family member.
My cousins and their loving kindness.
For the birth of babies.
That Dave is with Vic, Dad and Mom and the knowledge that they are all with Jesus.
Singing songs of Worship that night with Pattie, Andrea, Chris, Stacey, Naze, Goose and Patricia over Dave's body right after God took Him Home. It was beautiful.
God's Word and my desire to spend more time with Him in 2012.

With Much Love, Peace and Joy,
Angie xoxo

My favorite song of 2011
"I'll Fly Away" by Jars of Clay

Another month after post, but this time for Dave.

I can't believe tomorrow it will be a month since my brother, Dave passed away. In some ways it seems like it went fast, and in other ways it seems like it was a long time ago. A month ago I was begging God to take him out of pain, but it didn't hit me until recently that the only way for the pain to stop was for us to lose him. It seemed like two totally different things.

It's weird having lost two of my siblings and both of my parents. I notice I keep doing this counting thing. When we have a gathering I'm trying to keep track of who should and shouldn't be here... or who is or isn't alive. We were planning on celebrating Christmas at Naze's house, but she asked if I would mind hosting it. I wanted to have it at our house, but her house was more centrally located so we were going to keep it close for the boys and their families. Anyway, I'm glad to have it at my house, but am having a difficult time figuring out who will be here.

We are all okay, but each seem to have our moments and at different times. I was in church this past Sunday and out of nowhere I about lost it. I heard a song being played that I had never heard before and it was beautiful. I keep thinking about Dave, and how he felt sorry for us that we had to lose him.

Lately I've been thinking (almost obsessing) about Stephen Covey's book, "7 Habits of Highly Effective People." I keep focusing on Habit #2 which says to "Begin with the end in mind." It's almost pathetic. Whenever I am with people I feel like it could be the last time I see them. If you told me a year ago that Dave would not be coming to our house for Christmas I wouldn't have believed you. A couple of years ago Mom was still here too... and I have pictures to prove it! Anyway, it's just weird.

My friends and family have given me so much comfort with meals, cards and messages. You learn who your real friends are at times like these. Their thoughtfulness continues to overwhelm me.

I'm trying to deal with all of this in a healthy manner. I don't want it to, as a friend put it, come out sideways. I don't want to stuff these feelings because I believe stress is not good for us and causes illness. I've been dumping my thoughts out on this blog for years now. I truly believe God was preparing me. I still trust His will. I know that I know that I know that He still has my best interests in mind and that He is with us every step of the way in this life. Satan keeps working on me to get me to question God and to believe I'm not a kid anymore and that I should be able to handle losing my brother better.

Anyway, it's all good a month later. Let's all do more than go through the motions this Christmas. Let's celebrate the Father of compassion and the God of ALL comfort!

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort," (2 Cor 1:3)

"He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:29-31)

Lord, please reveal Yourself to my precious sisters. Give them the kind of comfort that comes only from You. Wrap Your arms around them and hold them close. Thank You so much. Please help me get out of myself and give me eyes to see others who may be hurting as well. Lord, I pray for anyone who might stumble upon this blog who might be feeling lonely and sad. My heart is heavy for all of the people who are just "going through the motions" this holiday season.

xoxo

This is my favorite version of The Lord's Prayer by Johnny Mathis. His Christmas album was my very first and still one of my favorites today! Have a great weekend!

Much love,

Too many to count, really.

Because I have about 15 minutes left of Thursday, I thought I better add a few things I'm thankful for this evening:

~An awesome staff at Baylis Animal Hospital and the nice Christmas dinner in town.
~The invitation to a Christmas luncheon with an office where I have been subbing and a nice gift...Who would have thought?!
~Birthday breakfast for a good friend of mine.
~Dinner with Jenny last night to celebrate her 27th birthday and our special time together.
~Running into a friend in The Dollar Store last weekend and her idea for Christmas Eve.
~All of the wonderful Christmas cards coming in the mail.
~The message from my cousin, Susan.
~Christmas shopping in my new ride. :)
~Bunco with my friends the other night.
~Making plans to bake Christmas cookies with Aunt Eveline and her sweet messages on my answering machine.
~Having a nice warm house on this windy night.
~Feeling God's Peace when I could be stressed out getting ready for Christmas.
~The guy who is snoring next to me.

xoxo

Mom's Christmas Card

Lincoln and I had the best Sunday! We put up our Christmas tree and decorated the house. He was more helpful this year than any year I can remember. :) To you this is probably just another tree, but to us each ornament has a memory attached to it. I'm cherishing them more this year than ever.

I came across this card from my mom. When she gave it to me I had no idea how much it would mean to me today. I love technology, but I love a written note more. I loved seeing her handwriting. My mother wasn't a card giver so this one was extra special. It was so unique, just like her.

Mom grew up Catholic, so Mary was very important to her. She prayed to her so often. She respected Mary and really all that surrounds what it means to be a loving, nurturing mother. I hope Mary was one of the first people Mom got to see that day she went home.

On Friday...

Since my sister texted me that she is bummed that there was no "Thankful Thursday" yesterday I took it as a nudge from The Holy Spirit to write this post. You'll have to be patient here and read til the end to learn just what it is I am thankful for this day. You will notice something else, unless this is your first stop at my blog. When I share something that I'm a little unsure if I feel comfortable sharing or feel extremely vulnerable I will either quickly delete it or immediately follow it up with another post, picture or song. So, there you have it.

I'm almost fifty years old and am still wrestling with some stuff that would have probably been better to deal with when I was about twelve. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I think most of us women are going through life stuck at 12 years old. I have a soft place in my heart for girls that age. I don't know why (and it doesn't matter) God made me different. Growing up I had perfect attendance. I didn't smoke and I basically always thought it was important to follow the rules. With that came a lot of teasing, but there was also a lot of loneliness and a feeling that I wasn't very loved.

Recently I heard a comment that I haven't been able to shake. I heard with my own ears that indeed somebody who was supposed to love me really never liked me. Maybe it's true; maybe it's not. If it's not true, that's a pretty cruel rumor. It's weird how I have replayed that comment over and over again... in disbelief. Nobody wants to think somebody doesn't like them. Maybe you don't mind and frankly, I wish I was one who could blow comments like that off. I am also over-analytical and I wondered why they didn't like me. Was it that I didn't smoke? If so, if I started smoking would they like me more? Would anyone really stoop to that level? I'm not going to do that. Most of this mad thinking goes on in the middle of the night. See what I mean about being vulnerable? During the day I don't care but at night it's huge. So where do I go from here? For me (and I suggest you as well), I went straight to the truth.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." (Psalm 139:14)

I am thankful for a few things:
1). I am thankful that I realize it's okay to be who God made me. I don't have to be someone else just to fit in. There is Only One who matters and I'm confident that I'm loved by Him, who was rejected by many.
2). I can learn to have more compassion for others who may feel the same.
3). I'm thankful that I know full well Satan wants me to believe His lies, but I trust God's Word.

I have so much more to be thankful for this week. This was in my backyard. :)

maybe?

Did you ever notice that when you are going through the grieving process a lot of old issues seem to pop up? Maybe old losses that were never fully dealt with properly... not even having to do with the current situation? It seems that's the case with me. I want to quickly deal with it, but the old stuff comes up and I start believing Satan's lies.

I desperately needed a Word this morning and was bound and determined not to go to a friend for comfort, but to Him. I went straight to the Psalms and found this written on the side of Psalm 78 by Barbara Johnson:

"Sometimes allowing yourself to cry is the scariest thing you'll ever do. And the bravest. It takes a lot of courage to face the facts, stare loss in the face, bare your heart, and let it bleed. But it is the only way to cleanse your wounds and prepare them for healing. God will take care of the rest."



Maybe these are the Words you and I both needed to hear today?
xoxo

Thankful for what I needed most...

It's Thursday and I am THANKFUL for so many people listed below (and those I didn't mention) who gave us so much love, support and many prayers these past few months. The comments they left on FB last week were a gift. God hand picked all of them to show their concern. I hope He Blesses them for Blessing me and my family!

The Funeral Mass for Dave was Wednesday, November 23rd 11:00am with visitation at 10:00am. St. John's Catholic Church in Fenton. ♥ Thank You, God for taking my brother home.

Hewitt J. -So sorry for your loss, Angie. God Bless you.
Jon P. -Thanks Angela for the info thoughts and prayers for the whole family
Janet W. -Prayers from our house to yours...may you find solace knowing that your brother is finally at peace.
Yolanda R. -I am sorry, praying for comfort.
Lindsay B. -Angie, we are so sorry for your loss. Keeping you and your family in our thoughts and prayers...
Thomas P. -Our prayers are with you and your family, it's never easy saying good bye to someone you love.
Carly Ann ♥
Elizabeth O. -Sorry Angie..so sad...prayers will continue, for you and yours.
Mark E. -It is time for all to rest now. Dave had a room room prepared for him by our Lord. God Bless his family.
Nancy L. -Angie, I'm SO sorry for your loss. He is no longer suffering and in a much better place. My prayers to you and your family.
Sherri S. -So sorry for your loss Angie. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. xoxo
Michelle S. -So sorry Angie....I do agree he is in a better place! Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Love ya!!! XOXO
Julie G. -Sorry about your brother Angie.
Lauren B.-so sorry to hear about your loss Angie. I know you loved him so much! xo
Diane L. S. -Oh Angie, I am so sorry to hear this news about Dave's homegoing. I have prayed for him! My thoughts and prayers are with you and the family now!
Nancy M. -Praying for you Angie, during this tough time!
Mike F. -So, so sorry Annie.
Chas P. -So sorry Angie:( Thinking of you.
Becky S. -So sorry to hear about Dave.....will be praying for you and your family.
Sharon V. -Angie, our deepest sympathy to you and your family.I'm sure he gave it his all and all you wanted for him is to be pain free and peaceful. Prayers are still coming your way. Will be leaving for Vegas tomorrow for Thanksgiving, but you will certainly be in my thoughts on Wed. Love you.
Jill G. N. -Sorry for your loss and my deepest sympathy for you and your entire family during this very difficult time.
Arthur B. -I am so sorry to hear of this. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.
Kathie V. C. -Oh, I am very saddened to read this. My thoughts and prayers are with you at this difficult time. He is in very good hands now and no more suffering, but will truly be missed by the ones that are left behind.
Kathie V. C. ‎"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.”
Gail B. -I'm so sorry for your loss, Angie. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Mary Lou -Praying for His arms to hold all of you close and to comfort you and wipe away your tears, with His gentle hands.
Tonja T. O. Prayers for comfort and peace for you and your family.
Lorna C. Angie, So sorry to hear about your brother ... my heart is aching for you. May your memories of loving moments together with Dave give you peace and comfort. Lorna & Paul
Diane M. -So sorry Angie, thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. God Bless you
Laura K. -Angie, I am so sorry for your loss of your brother, you are in my prayers during this difficult time, God Bless.
Marcie G. -So sorry to hear this. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.
Paula N. -So sorry Angie. May God give you and your family peace as you mourn. We love you and will continue to pray for God's comfort on you and the family.
Meg S. -Dear Angie - peace and wholeness for Dave....sadness and loss for you and your family....sending you so much love.
Cynthia W. -So sorry for your loss. Holding you close.
Peggy S. -Angie, you have been such a strong and supportive sister through this. May God give you and your family the strength you need to get through these next tough days. My prayers go out to you,
Marianne P. -So sorry Annie...hugs to you and all your family. May Godspeed your Brother to Eternal Peace ♥
Luanne Z. -so sorry to hear of your loss. God bless you and your family.
Karen J. -Angie-so sorry for your loss; special prayers tonight for you and your family.
Trisha K. -My thoughts are with you and your family.
Katie J. -Thinking of you and your family, Angie! xoxo
Susie B. ♥ ♥
Janet H. -We will keep you in our prayers, Ang. Thanks for keeping us updated.
Delbert M. -I'm very sorry Angie, My prayers for you and yours.
Matt K. -So sorry for your loss Angie.
Linda M. -We are praying for a blessed homecoming celebration tomorrow for Dave!! Heaven is a place we all want to go to!! Dave just got to get there sooner!! Haleluiah!!:/) love you Angie! Ken and Lindaxoxo
Annette H. -Ang...our song...always loved it....such comfort at my father's funeral...comfort, peace and love to you sweet Sister!
Karen M. -I believe!
Timothy P. ‎... be blessed, thank you Angie... I can imagine, Thank You Lord!
Annette G. -Your heart can hold on to this memory today. Your family's Thanksgiving meal early I will always remember. Bittersweet day but your heart still sings His praise! Love this song.
Melissa C. -Angie, So sorry to hear about your brother passing. I'm thinking of you and your family. Many prayers and hugs sent your way.
Jenny Lynn -Thinking of you today. Happy Thanksgiving ♥
Janice P. So much to loose, and so much gained.
Donna C. -Very beautiful Angie. You were so lucky to have him as your brother and friend. Forgiveness is empowering, God wants us all to do that. Love you my friend :)
Karen M.keep on! Your words and memories are beautiful. Love you!
Annette G. -Beautiful heart. Must run in your family...Hugs and love, A
Rosemary M. -Angie, I was so sorry to hear about your brother. Your words are a beautiful tribute the the wonderful man he must have been. Take comfort in knowing he is home. Love, Rosie
Meg S. - Beautiful tribute, Ang. Thank you for sharing.
Mary L. -Thanks Annie for putting in words just what I had in my heart! I love you sissy! Goose
Hewitt J. Wow. What a wonderful tribute to a wonderful man. My only wish is that when I'm gone there will be someone who will think as highly of me as you did of your brother. God Bless You, Angie. Thanks for such loving words. XO
Matt K. -Well said.
Andy K. -Very Good..I Don't think any of his family or friends are there yet, either...
Barbara B. -You drew a beautiful portrait of David. He was all of what you wrote. We have and always will keep David and the family close to our hearts.
Susan A. -Angie, Thanks for sharing your thoughts put into words. Beautiful.
Sheila J. -Absolutely beautiful Angie!
Gail B. -Angie, you are a beautiful person and your brother was as lucky to have you as you were to have him. I'm so sorry for your loss. I am sure Dave is smiling on you from Heaven.
Kristin Mary -Praying for you and your family this week. Hope you feel the love and support of friends and family this weekend.
Sarah V. -Sending prayers your way...xo
Herman F. -Angie. I just read that Dave is no longer with us.In the 41 years i have known Dave,he has always been a wonderful person to have as a friend.My heart is sad that he is gone. I am also happy that God gave me the gift of our friendship. I will be praying for your family as you go through this difficult time.
Dale T. -Very sorry to hear about your brother, Angie. Just rejoice that he is with our heavenly father.
Lisa G. -Dear Angie & Lincoln, I am so very sorry to hear of the loss of your beloved brother, Dave. I know you will take solace in the fact that his suffering is over. And you will always have the wonderful memories with him! Please know that our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Love, Lisa
Louise B. -Angie, I'm so sorry to hear about your family's loss. Losing a brother is something that you'll never quite get over, but knowing he's in a better place makes it a bit more bearable. My thoughts and prayers are with you. xoxo
Marisa S. -Thinking of you and keeping you and your family in my prayers. XO
Jan J, -Life seemed easier on the corner of East and High...I'd gladly go back, today. xo
Teresa V. -Love and prayers Angie, so sorry to hear.
Andrea S. -I'm so sorry to hear of your brother's passing. Sending our condolences and a hug. ♥
Mark S. -Angie, So sorry to hear about your brother Dave. Our prayers continue to be with you and your family.
Gayle W. -Angie so sorry for your loss.... I will pray for you and your family at this time... but all i can say is i was happy when my Parents were finally at peace and in no more pain...God will take care of him and he will watch over you and your family ...
Kathy Y. -Angie - I'm so sorry for your loss. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family...
Gloria P. -Angela, so sorry to have missed the memorial service but I was with all of you in spirit and prayer. All of the Karnowski children are very special to me and my love goes out to you at this very diffficult time.
John C. -Many many comforting words.


A dear friend of mine sent me a card. The words are truth to me...

In this time of sadness...
may you see God in the faces of friends,
hear Him in their voices,
feel Him in the touch of their hands...
May their help, caring and sympathy reflect His love and kindness
at this time when you need Him most.

Thank You, Lord for all of my friends and family!
xoxo

David Brian Karnowski (Mar 16, 1959-Nov 21, 2011)

Although it was nice having Dave's funeral short and sweet (like he wanted it) I missed the Rosary the night before. I especially missed the time afterwards when people would have been invited to share their stories about Dave. Nobody had a chance to talk about how he touched their lives. I'm sure I would have been a blubbering idiot and it would have been ugly, but I would have loved to have the opportunity to say a few things.

When you grow up in a family like ours where our parents had 7 kids in a little over 10 years you can't help but become close. The bond we have is hard to explain. Anyway long story short,  I'm going to share a few words about my brother.

The first two words that come to mind are WORK ETHIC. When Dave did anything he did it to the best of his ability and never settled for anything less than perfection. There was no such thing as half- a**. You should have seen how he cut grass. I think he invented diagonal lawn mowing. His amazing work ethic started way before he was old enough to mow the lawn. We have home videos (somewhere that I cannot seem to locate) with him scrubbing dishes. He worked harder than anyone in the family and he did it with a smile on his face. His smile. If you knew Dave, you know what I'm talking about. He had the best smile and wasn't afraid to show it often.

Dave laid his life down for his family. When he was a senior in high school he learned he was going to be a dad. He had letters from colleges asking him to play sports. He was such a great athlete and I was so proud to watch him. He played baseball, football and wrestled. He could have made other choices but did the right thing by being the best dad possible. I admired him so much!

Family was everything to Dave. He was a great son to both Mom and Dad. He went above and beyond in every way when it came to honoring them. He was a lot like our dad. He had a gentle quiet way about him. He never dominated conversations. Even though Mom could be a little hard to be around after Dad passed away, he would drive over to spend time with her every Sunday. He was so generous and would give you the shirt off his back.

When Dave learned his life would be shortened we asked if he wanted to do anything special, like take a trip. All he cared about doing was spending time with Pattie, his kids and his grandchildren. I had the privilege of taking him to see his newest granddaughter, Evelyn about a month ago. He slept the entire way there and back but rallied for the kids. Dave had the best relationship with his ex-wife, Connie, the mother of his kids. Josh and Randy were his first priority and nothing was going to change it. He taught me how important it is to forgive my ex-husband and that it's the best gift I can give my own children.

Dave was one of the most sensitive, caring and compassionate people I know. He felt terrible when he thought he may have hurt my feelings a couple of weeks ago. He finally told me he hated chicken after I had made him many different meals with it. Naze told me a story recently where Dave was going to take the blame when she got in a driving accident before she had her license. That's the kind of brother he was. He took the blame for a lot of stuff that he didn't do, just to keep Peace.

For some reason I don't have very many pictures of me with Dave. I'm going to have to remember him in my heart. I don't think I'll ever forget the sound of his voice. I have a message on my answering machine right now that I can't bring myself to delete.

When I think about Dave I will always see him as I did as a little girl. I thought he was so cool. Everybody loved him. I looked up to him and always wanted his approval. When I was sitting beside his hospital bed in those last weeks I opened his Bible and a card fell out. It had the words of 1 Cor 13 on it. They spoke of Dave.

Dave was patient, Dave was kind. Dave did not envy, he did not boast, he was not proud. He did not dishonor others, he was not self-seeking, he was not easily angered, he kept no record of wrongs. Dave did not delight in evil but rejoiced with the truth. Dave always protected, always trusted, always hoped, always persevered. Dave did not fail and he never quit.

Dave knew how to love well.

I have absolutely no doubt that my brother is in Heaven with Mom, Dad, Vic and everybody else he loved. It's comforting to know they paved the way and will be waiting for me when it's my turn. It was only appropriate to celebrate Dave's life the day before Thanksgiving. I will always be thankful that he touched my life.
xoxo

Not just another Thankful Thursday.

It's Thursday and I need to be intentional about gratitude. We are at my brother's side around the clock waiting on God's timing and the hours pass slowly. I'm going to ask my little sister to help me do this list in utter silence so here we go...

We are thankful for the many text messages, calls and emails from people who love us and are with us in Spirit.
We are thankful for Gods grace and his gentle reminders to simply be quiet.
For the words "I love you".
The sensitivity of my children to not only accept my spending time away from them but to encourage me with complete loving spirit,
For Pattie's sister coming over last night to help settle her down.
For our spouses who love us enough to realize that we are siblings sticking together when it really counts.
For eggs... Scrambled eggs.
For a hospice nurse that loves her job!
For Deacon Ron who came over last night to give Dave his final rights and for asking Bek if she wanted to make her first communion (which she will remember for the rest of her life!).
For memories of Dave taking Zack on the riding lawn mower!
For God giving us the Extra Grace Required during these very difficult days.
For pain medications.
For Chris's loving compassion and not wanting to dessert us when he had to get back to work yesterday.
That our parents taught us to always stick together! They are proudly smiling in heaven right now!
For Dave's smile even in these last days.
For costco's sea salt, chocolate carmel bark stuff & Annie for buying it!
For the girl sitting next to me letting me use her pillow last night.
And the one at work who gave me hers!
That although most of us have colds right now, we will get better!
For the vivid memory of dads transition from this world that comforts me of what is coming soon for Dave.
For Facebook and the Internet where we all visit when we are crawling out of our skin.
For the greatest friends, who are always there for us.
For Jan's long loving texts and for Karen's texts telling me the whole staff is praying for us and for the Scripture verses that are so comforting.
For the religion we were born into and the familiar prayers that we know by heart and come to us when we need them most.
For our sisters words to Dave, that we will always take care of his kids and grand kids and that we will keep the memories of him alive forever!
That Andrea is coming back today.
Nurse Kim from Hospice.
Amen!
That most of the pictures on the wall that Pattie has painted are "Two" of everything, reminding me to remember that she is losing her best friend, so I need to be more compassionate and understanding when she lashes out.
For my husband, who just texted me telling he loves me, he misses me and is praying for me.

To be continued...

ready to go home

 It's getting close now. I think Dave is  Ready To Go Home.  

If you read this will you please whisper a prayer for Dave that he can relax, surrender and feel God's arms wrapped tightly around him and for Pattie and the rest of us? Thank you.

Can we talk?

When I die I Hope to go to Heaven. I'm reading Randy Alcorn's book, Heaven and he reminded me that there is a narrow opening and that not everyone will go there. I can't remember the Scripture verses to back it up right now, but it scared me.  I loved how he put it that we don't lose our loved ones when they die, we just lose contact with them until we are reunited with them.

I know one thing for sure. When I meet God face to face we are going to have a talk. A real talk. I can't wait for Him to reveal why my sister, Dad and now my brother have to endure so much pain. For some reason Dave looks worse than my dad and sister ever did and it's just not fair.

I know God's timing is perfect and He is not surprised by any of this. I know He has something huge waiting for him on the other side. I'd give anything to see the look on his face when he is completely out of pain, there are no more tears and he is hugging our loved ones. I'm glad to be reading the book about Heaven because I really have no idea how it works. I've never studied Heaven and I'm not sure I've ever had a real conversation with anyone regarding exactly what it will be like... in detail. I know bits and pieces from what I've read in the Bible but I don't have a clear understanding. After losing contact with so many family members I'm suddenly a lot more interested. Will Dave be rewarded more for having to go through so much pain?? I sure hope so.

Tonight as I write this post I'm just plain mad. I don't understand it. Watching his boys, his grandchildren, his wife and step-children, brother and sisters grieve for him is too much. It rips out my heart. I want to tell him how great Heaven is going to be and that I'm excited for him that God knows him by name and is calling him home, but I can't get those words out. He loves his kids and grandchildren more than any dad I've ever seen. Isn't he going to miss them like crazy? I cannot imagine never seeing my kids again. I tell him how great he is doing and that I'm so proud to be his sister. He is fighting the fight like no other. He tries so hard to wake up to focus on whoever comes to visit. He is so medicated, but it's obvious that he is still in pain. Every time I leave I swear I'm not going back because I can't take it anymore. Then something in me longs to go back just one more time.

I'm glad Mom isn't here to experience Dave's suffering.  I'm sorry if I gave you too much information or if you don't think I should be so mad at a God so loving.  I love Him but I'm looking forward to some answers...thankyouverymuch!

I love you Lord, and I'd appreciate you coming soon.
xoxo

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5



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"loving presence"

I need to share this song with you today. A good friend sent me the nicest email this week. I am so thankful for friends who are compassionate and will pray and tell me that if he were in Dave's shoes... " I would want to spare my sisters the experience of my suffering. But what I would really deeply desire is just their loving presence. I'd realize that there is little you can do or little that you can say. But your loving presence would say it all." I'm so thankful I'm able to spend so much time with him and comforted by the fact that this friend is probably right.

Shephard us, Lord, beyond our wants, beyond our fears from death unto life.

I'll soon find out... ;)

All of this technology is giving me a headache. I think I'll read a book for awhile. I have a feeling reality will be a lot more peaceful and relaxing. I'll be back on Thursday with a whole list of Blessings.

Please, Lord... Make me a channel of Your Peace.

It's Thursday so I'm going to add to my gratitude list tonight. Let's see...

~Lincoln was able to retrieve my gold cross charm that fell down the drain last night (HUGE).
~Pumpkin candles.
~Last night's cooking class given by an awesome chef that motivated me to want to cook!
~Some new cooking accessories.
~Last weekend's fun celebration.
~Goose (my sister) trying her best to help my brother and giving us a break.
~EGR = Extra Grace Required and Forgiveness for hurtful words.
~My interview today. It sounds too good to be true. I'm cautiously excited.
~Dave's meds adjusted again to help better control his pain.
~Outdoor space heaters.
~Chilly crisp Fall days. My car said 38 degrees a little while ago.
~Gas fireplaces.
~Trustworthy friends helping me with the BAH marketing.
~Clean sheets.
~The Holy Spirit finally getting me to the gym today.
~Being okay with the fact that I was the weakest girl there.
~Hearing my sister, Naze excited about her new job! This is huge as well. She SO deserves it! (Wish Mom was here to share.)
~My brother's old friends writing me to tell me they love him and expressing their concern.
~My clean oven.
~Thank you notes in the snail mail.
~That I still feel like I'm 18 when I'm almost 50. Being surprised when asked when I will retire.
~My life. :)

No better example.

Chris and Stacey will have been married 25 years tomorrow. I have learned so much in my own marriage (and failed marriage) but they have taught me more through theirs. They have been married the longest of any of my siblings. I am honored to have shared those 25 years with them. The lives they have touched are countless. They are two of the most generous people I know. So far they have produced 3 children, one grandson and many many foster children. I don't even know how many people they have brought into the family of believers in God by their example. Their home has an "Open Door Policy" welcoming anyone and everyone. Satan has tried his hardest to destroy their marriage but I can tell you that he hasn't won yet and I don't believe he ever will.

Dear God, You knew what You were doing 25 years ago by bringing Stacey into our family. I consider her one of my best friends. Thank you for showing me another miracle when I look at the picture of my beautiful brother and his wife smiling again. It makes me love You more and makes me want to keep Believing You. Keep protecting their marriage and showing them that their marriage is their testimony, that You can be trusted and that all things are possible when they put You #1. Help them to look at each other the way they did 25 years ago, and to be kind to each other. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Once Upon a Time...

This picture is so blog worthy. Unfortunately I am too tired to write it tonight. Trust me. It will be worth coming back.

(...to be continued)

Bringing Back Thankful Thursday

"I will give thanks to you, LORD, with all my heart;
I will tell of all your wonderful deeds." (Psalm 9:1)

I never tire of giving thanks for the little things and the things I once thought impossible.

I'm Thankful for:

A lot of time spent with Dave... and Pattie... not thinking about tomorrow.
Finally burying Mom's ashes next to Dad and Vic this past Monday.
Closing one box before opening another.
Going to weekday Mass like I used to go to with Vic and those precious memories.
Lunch at a Polish restaurant with my three sisters in Bay City.
$6.99 Buffet for the best lunch.
Dave finally telling me that he hates chicken (after I made him MANY meals with it recently).
The hug he gave me when he thought it hurt my feelings when he told me.
Dilaudid (a medication stronger than Morphine) liquid administered Sub Q every 15 minutes.
Seeing Dave enjoy no bake cookies.
Watching the leaves fall.
So many friends continually asking how my brother is doing.
Cold, rainy days.
Watching Everybody Loves Raymond with Dave and hearing him laugh out loud.
Seeing both of my kids last weekend when they were in town for Ali's wedding.
Conflict resolution between kids and praying they'll always be close.
All of the baby pictures on my refrigerator.
Hot baths.
Good coffee.
Candles.
Trying out new recipes.
Hearing the news and excitement that a friend's daughter is finally pregnant.
Holding so many young babies lately.
My ability to do a headstand after being away from yoga for too long.
Playing catch with John.
Finding my sand wedge. :)
That Meghan wanted to work in a visit to go see her uncle last weekend.
The smell of comfort food cooking in the oven.
Celebrating a very special couple's 25th Wedding Anniversary this weekend! (This is huge!!!)

closure

Let her rest in Peace next to her husband and firstborn.

Alexandra

I'd by lying if I didn't tell you I'm a little bummed that I'm not going to be attending the wedding of an ex-neice of mine tomorrow. Ali was born a month after Meghan and I remember the day she was born. Bronwyn and I went through our pregnancies together and raised our girls together during those early years.  It's times like these when I want to remind the whole world how bad divorce is for families. When they say time heals all wounds, it's just not true.  Meghan is in the wedding and I won't be there, but it's probably just as well. I'd be a mess because Ali is going to be the most beautiful bride and Meghan will be standing next to her looking absolutely gorgeous herself.

I will cherish the small windows of opportunity to be with both of my kids this weekend, and I won't take it for granted when I get to be their taxi.

I'm going to be relying on God to give me His Peace and it will be enough. God is SO good! What would I do without Him? I don't even want to think about it! :)
xo

My dream.

I love that my blog is mine so I can share things many wouldn't dream of telling, like their dreams.

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." ~Hebrews 11:1

I had a dream last Wednesday night and I've been reluctant to share it until now (4 days later) in fear you will think I've totally lost my mind.  After I woke up I didn't want to get out of bed because I wanted to keep re-playing it in my mind and I didn't want to ever forget.  I had to get it out of my head and on paper (so to speak) so I wrote it out in an email to my trusted friend. Later in the day I had to share it with a few people, but it obviously didn't affect them the same way it affected me. (I think they think I'm nuts but didn't want to tell me.)

It. Was. So. Real.

I wrote this to my friend about an hour later.

"I'm at my brother's house. I spent the night here last night. Dave is declining and has been in worse pain (11 on a scale of 1-10). His wife, Pattie wanted me to stay with them so I did. He is on a ton of added liquid morphine and sleeps all the time. He went down so much since I saw him just one week ago. He is so frail. I had the weirdest dream ever just a little while ago. I want to get it down so I don't forget...  
I was trying to fall back asleep when they called me out to the living room. I saw him sitting on the couch with tears in his eyes. To my left on the other side of the room was a very bright light shining directly on him. I didn't know where to look (at the light or at Dave). I looked at Dave and all of a sudden in his tears he raised his right arm straight up with his fist up like in victory. He was still in tears. I tried to go over to him to give him a hug but he shook his head and tried to say no, don't come close. Then I saw a floating set of strong muscular arms with a body but no face going near him as to pick him up. Then the floating figure went into the other bedroom for a quick minute to "kiss" something or someone then came across the hallway to my room. I had my face tiled to look straight up at it. It was kind of like a horse. All I could say was "Thank you" in a whisper because I was so honored that it came to visit me when Dave was out in the other room with tears streaming down his cheeks. It stayed near me for longer than the other room.  It circled around me for a little bit. Then it started to change it's shape and get kind of scary looking, but I couldn't make it out. Then it disappeared. I heard Dave's (real) voice say, "Good Morning" in the perkiest voice ever! Then I heard him talking to Pattie and she told him I had spent the night. I just laid there running the whole scenario over and over again and it still feels like it was real. When I came out to the living room Pattie  told me he got up to go to the bathroom for a second and said "Good Morning" the way he always used to, then went right back to bed, held his stomach and laid back down. Now he is sleeping. I believe it was God who visited us and came to me to personally Bless me. I can't explain it any other way. I haven't shared it with anyone because they might think I'm crazy. Isn't that cool? It was the most real dream I have ever had in my life. What a gift as I sit here with them."

Since then I've thought about it many times.  God understands and knows exactly what we are going through and has compassion on us. He is the head-lifter. He is with us on Dave's good days and his not-so-good days. I used to Hope God was real but now I know He is real. I swear. It's okay if you think I'm nuts. :)

A wonderful day!

Thank you, Sylvia for sending me this song. You have no idea how much this means to me. I really can feel the prayers. I can't explain today any other way than with God's hand on our family.

Today the sun came out for the first time in 4 days. Dave rallied when his boys came to visit him.  He even got down on the floor and played with his grandson.  We were all able to go outside for awhile and enjoy the nice day.  Some may explain it by saying he felt better because of the fluids they gave him at the hospital yesterday, but I believe it was answer to Prayer. Josh and Jackson came along with Randy who hadn't slept since 6:00 yesterday morning. He personally delivered his brand new daughter at his home with his wife early this morning. Apparently the midwife came five minutes after Evelyn Pearl was born. Lizz's mom came to take care of them so Randy could come see his dad. Adam and Molly came too. Naze, Bekka and Jake were there as well as Patricia. Chris came from Wisconsin too. Everyone got to see Dave wide-awake and it was awesome. His pain seemed to be controlled for a little while. :) He even ate a sloppy joe and some chips! That's huge! I was glad Lincoln was able to come up and tell him a few things he had wanted to share. The three of us had a nice little chat. He knows where he is going and he isn't scared. He just feels badly for all of us who are left here. That's so Dave. Still caring more about others than himself.

Thank you God for the wonderful day and for friends who know how to make me feel loved and cared for in the midst of these difficult days.

renewed strength

"He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
~Isaiah 40: 29-31





I'm so thankful for:

A fairly smooth trip to University of Michigan yesterday so Dave could have his procedure to hopefully deaden the nerves leading to his tumor.
A safe trip home in the cold, dark rainy weather.
The piece of chocolate chip cookie he ate on the way home.
That Vernors and Vanilla ice cream sounded good to him (just like Vic!!)
The conversations Pattie and I are having.
Watching Pattie take such wonderful care of my brother.
My husband's compassion and support.
The concern of my children regarding me and their Uncle Dave.
These comfort meals we are having.
That right this minute his pain is a 3 on the scale of 1-10.
That he is able to rest.
That I am not working so I can be here with them.
That Naze is so generous and has this house right next door.
That Naze is a Registered Nurse!
For the prayers, emails, messages and texts from my friends.
For little Evelyn Pearl Karnowski born early this morning. (Dave's newest grand-daughter.)
That I had the best sleep ever last night and that I feel like great today... Joy came in the morning!
That God's Presence is so obvious to me.

I know I could list a million more things, but I better get off of this computer for now.
xoxo

I remember it wasn't too long ago when Dave posted "Sissy's Song" and dedicated it to all of his sisters and he listed each of our names. I can't listen to it now but I'll listen extra carefully as soon as I can. I'm at his house and he cannot tolerate loud music so it is pretty quiet as we sit here with Pattie. She loves that we are here with her as he sleeps almost all of the time.

This feels way too familiar.  It's precious time, but so uncomfortable at the same time and times goes ever so slowly.

I really want to write the dream I had last night, but don't have the energy or focus right now.  It's still crystal clear in my head though.

Missing Mom One Year Later...

Mom

It's with a heavy heart that I gave myself permission to grieve tonight. I will burn a candle for her and start another gratitude list in the morning.

With love,
Annie

I wish someone could read my mind and find me a song with the words I can't seem to find tonight. Is that asking too much? :)

Our Name "Karnowski"

I love being a Karnowski.

Patricia * David * Angela * Mary * DeNaze * Christopher

Your Name

You got it from your father,
t'was the best he had to give,
And right gladly he bestowed it
It's yours, the while you live.

You may lose the watch he gave you
and another you may claim,
But remember, when you're tempted,
to be careful of his name.

It was fair the day you got it,
and a worthy name to bear,
When he took it from his father
there was no dishonor there.

Through the years he proudly wore it,
to his father he was true,
And that name was clean and spotless
when he passed it on to you.

Oh there's much that he has given
that he values not at all,
He has watched you break your playthings
in the days when you were small.

You have lost the knife he gave you
and you've scattered many a game,
But you'll never hurt your father
if you're careful with his name.

It is yours to wear forever,
yours to wear the while you live,
Yours, perhaps some distant morn,
another boy to give.

And you'll smile as did your father,
with a smile that all can share,
If a clean name and a good name
you are giving him to wear.

- Edgar A. Guest

On being intentional

A letter from the "Provider of tents."

O MR. TENTMAKER

It was nice living in this tent when it was strong and secure and the sun was shining and the air was warm.

Mr.Tentmaker, it's scary now.

You see, my tent is acting like it is not going to hold together. The poles seem weak and they shift with the wind.  A couple of stakes have wiggled loose from the sand; and  worst of all, the canvas has a rip. It no longer protects me from beating rain or stinging fly.

It's scary in here, Mr. Tentmaker.

Last week I went to the repair shop and some repairman tried to patch the rip in my canvas.  It didn't help much, though, because the patch pulled away from the edges and now the tear is worse.

What troubled me most, Mr. Tentmaker, is that the repairman didn't even seem to notice that I was still in the tent.  He just worked on the canvas while I was inside.  I cried out once, but no one heard me.

I guess my first real question is: Why did you give me such a flimsy tent?  I can see by looking around the campground that some of the tents are much stronger and more stable than mine.  Why, Mr. Tentmaker, did you pick a tent of such  poor quality for me?  And even more important, what do you intend to do about it?

* * * * *

O little tent dweller, as the Creator and Provider of tents, I know all about you and your tent, and I love you both.

I made a tent for myself once, and lived in it on your campground.  My tent was vulnerable, too, and some vicious attackers ripped it to pieces while I was still in it.

It was a terrible experience, but you will be glad to know they couldn't hurt me.  In fact, the whole occurrence was a tremendous advantage because it is this very victory over my enemy that frees me to be a present help to you.

O little tent dweller, I am now prepared to come and live in your tent with you, if you'll invite me.  You'll learn as we dwell together that real security comes from my being in your tent with you.  When the storms come, you can huddle in my arms and I'll hold you.  When the canvas rips, we'll go to the repair shop together.

Some day, little tent dweller, some day your tent is going to collapse.  You see, I've designed it only for temporary use.  But when it does, you and I are going to leave together.  I promise not to leave before you do.  And then, free of all that would hinder or restrict, we will move to our permanent home and together forever, we will rejoice and be glad..
~Anonymous




Thank you, Lord for bringing this poem to my attention this morning. Once again, Your timing is perfect. 

((HUGS))

 God's beautiful artwork.

Group Hug ... Annie, Naze, Dave & Patricia

Dave, Pattie, Joe, Naze, Bekka, Jake & Patricia watching the rainbow.

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things." ~Phil 4:8

I'm learning to appreciate God's beauty more and more each day. We saw a full rainbow above my sister's home last night. None of us know what the future holds and we wish things were different but for today... I'm Praising Him for this beautiful show. I'm thankful that Ibuprofen helped my brother, Dave have a good day for Naze's birthday celebration and I'm grateful that I own a nice camera to snap a few of these precious memories.

*pretending to be a photographer

I picked these raspberries. First attempt at jam. Thumbs up! 

I love this one.

Lincoln's favorite.

Cool, eh? :)

Lincoln took this one (obviously). Notice how nice and straight it is. 

The perfectionist in me is very bothered that this isn't straight. Ugh!!!

Lincoln took this one and I'm super jealous it wasn't my idea. I'm so competitive!

My favorite (My screen saver right now.)

Passion for Glory

I don't even like boxing, but watching my brother suffer with cancer is starting to make me MAD! He doesn't deserve to be in this kind of pain 24/7. It's hard to just sit here doing nothing. I'm thankful that I know the way the story ends, but it's so hard to watch.

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith". ~2 Timothy 4:7

Lord, I know that I know that I know You are in the midst of this fight. Keep our eyes focused on You. Please remind him that You suffered too and that it is all worth it in the end. You are with him as he carries his cross. Teach me how to carry his burden and give him comfort. Hold him close and help us keep the faith when we feel helpless.

By faith,
Angie

All things...

 "Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." (1 Cor 13:7)


This morning I was reminded of a portion of His Word that I was privileged to read at my sister's funeral. I will never forget that day at St. John's Catholic Church where you could hear a pin drop. She planned her own funeral during those months before she died. We never talked about it. I can still see her unique left-handed writing where she wrote it all out. She was a list maker. I may just take a risk and have a conversation with someone else I dearly love.

Thank You, Holy Spirit for gently whispering these Words in my ears today.






In His Love & By Faith...
Angie

Mr. & Mrs. David Karnowski

Claiming God in this battle.

Why don't I see more of God's promises (And the fruit of the Spirit- Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Self-Control) fulfilled in my life? Because I've been like the Israelites in the wilderness not able to get to my Promised Land because of my lack of belief.

Five years ago I won a trip to South Africa. I was looking through some pictures this morning and came across some of a lion eating a water buffalo. They are pretty gross. Sorry if the pictures offend you. We returned the following day and saw nothing but the carcass that was left behind. It had been eaten alive by the lion and cleaned by the vulchers within a few hours.

It was no accident that I went upstairs and dusted off an old book I had read and studied years ago. God knows I need to get back to the basics and Believe Him.  Believing God is the book that inspired me to name my blog it's name--By faith... Angbaylis. I had finished my very first Bible study and it was life-changing. I knew that I had already believed in God, but I sure wasn't living my life day to day Believing Him and His promises as His Word teaches.  I am reminded today that I need more to get through this life that's ahead of me. There are challenges before me that need nothing but Faith to get through. I know I am more than a conquerer with Christ as my center. Satan would like to get ahold of me and eat me alive and leave me for dead in the wilderness. I sure don't want to die that way as Hebrews chapter 3 explains because I don't Believe.

I hope you'll join me in this battle. Satan is trying to steal Joy and ruin the lives of too many people I love.

Trusting God with my whole heart,

By faith... Angbaylis