This is what I'd say...

Recently I got a couple of phone calls from friends and family hoping I could offer some encouragement to women going through a rough time in their marriage. They know I was betrayed in my first marriage. I've been thinking a lot about what I might share with someone, or wish they had told me when I was in the midst of that time of my life.

Here's my rough draft...

Dear__________,

First of all, I am SO sorry!

I will never forget the feeling I had all of those years ago. I remember exactly where I was standing when I heard what would change my life forever. I will never forget the feeling of a knife being twisted in my stomach. I was SO sick I didn't care if I ever ate again. I remember living on orange juice and tea. My parents came over immediately. Two of my friends also came to be with me and my kids. My daughter was eight and my son was seven at the time. Their affair had been going on for two years, putting my kids at 6 and 5 years-old. It took everything ounce of energy to go to the grocery store and take care of them. I wanted to hide in the fetal position forever. I heard the news just one week before Christmas and my goal was to make it through the holidays.

I know the feeling of betrayal well. I know the pain you are feeling. I know how it feels to get the news that he was getting married two months after our divorce was final. I know you don't think you'll ever be able to trust another human being on earth, let alone the man who caused you this much pain. I know you are thinking since you don't have trust, you don't have anything. I know you think your relationship will never be the same with him (or her). You probably don't want to see him again, or you don't know how you will ever be able to live without him. I know you feel you are on a roller coaster and want to get off because it's literally making you sick.

I pray you have some friends who will make a cup of tea and be there when you need to talk. I was blessed to have friends who listened to me cry for hours, days, weeks, months and years! I hope you are smart about getting the right kind of counsel. I worry that so many counselors encourage selfishness. (Maybe because of their own history- I don't know.) I don't mean to offend anyone, but I cannot stress the importance of Godly counsel. I hope they point you to Jesus. I wasted too much time not going to Him and believe I postponed a lot of healing. Don't be surprised if you want to pay them back by having your own fun. Just remember when you bring someone new in the picture, it complicates things even more!

I'm sure you noticed your self-esteem is bruised (shattered?). I'm not sure how secure and confident you were before this happened, but I can almost guarantee it's a lot worse now. I doubt he left you because she was more beautiful than you or smarter. It was all about him. And if he did leave because she was "all that", it tells us a lot about him. We all know that with age, things change and remember, beauty is just skin deep.

Be good to yourself. Don't expect to heal too quickly or you won't heal properly. If you continue to bump the bruise, it'll take that much longer to heal. One day you won't feel the bruise anymore. Don't let anyone try to convince you to just get over it (or that your kids will "adapt"). Don't believe the whole, "time heals" mentality. God is really the Only one who can heal and in His timing (not when your spouse expects you to heal). This is huge, don't let the person who hurt you try to tell you it's your fault. "If you hadn't ...then I wouldn't have had to go elsewhere." Or, "if you would have only ...then I wouldn't have had to find it in someone else". It was their responsibility to openly communicate if there were parts of your marriage that weren't working for them. While we're on this topic, I also need to tell you that the quicker YOU take responsibility for your part in the breakdown the better. Since we were the "victim" we could be too comfortable letting them take all of the blame. Some people make this a lifestyle. That's not going to benefit anyone. I would highly recommend you take a good look at yourself. Lets be honest, we did some things that weren't right. I'll tell you what I did. I did not put my husband #1. I let my family (my mom and dad) play too big a role in my decision making. I didn't want to disappoint them, so I disappointed my husband (and ultimately my children).

Trust. Can we talk about that for a moment? I need you to know that you think you will never be able to trust that person again. Well, the truth is, if you don't trust him, you won't be able to trust the next guy either. You'll take yourself into your next relationship. You need to learn that you can trust yourself and you can trust God to take care of your every need. I truly believe you can learn to trust your spouse again. It will take a lot of work, but you can do it!

I know you think this is too hard. I know you think it would be easier to just divorce this person. Right about now you think you'll be better off without him. But hear me out. It won't. It is going to be hard no matter what. You are going to want to cry and kick and scream no matter what! You'll want to tell your kids what a terrible person the other parent is. Just remember, the other parent is the only other parent those kids have!

It's SO much easier to have one mom and one dad. One set of parents to tuck the kids in at night and be with them when they are sick. One set to come home after school and tell them how "Susie" hurt their feelings or celebrate they made the sports team or got into the college they wanted. It's a lot easier to have your spouse with you when you are worried when your kid learns to drive and you hand over the keys to them, go on their first date and move them to another state. It's a lot easier to have your spouse with you when they don't come in when they are supposed to and you are worried sick. It's so much nicer to be able to see your kids sitting on their daddy's lap. It's a lot easier to have two parents for holidays so the kids don't have to stress out about figuring out whose "turn" it is to get them. It's a lot easier for kids to sleep in the same bed every night and not have to pack to "visit" the other parent. It's not fun to think about your kids having to see their mother or father with another man or woman and all of the competition. Or worse yet, learning that they are having another baby together and all of the chaos that goes along with the step-family. You'll have to experience the awkwardness of seeing your spouse with someone else at school and sporting events. Two graduation parties. Two weddings? Two birthday parties for your grandchildren?

I want to suggest that you do whatever it takes to get better so you won't have to be bitter the rest of your life. Learn to practice forgiveness. Spend your free time reading God's Word and listening to what He has to say about marriage and forgiveness. Study and listen to every kind of speaker you can who will encourage marriage instead of divorce. What ever you do, before you give up on your marriage, listen to this message from my favorite author, Beth Moore on Forgiveness. Surround yourself with people who encourage you and won't let you bash that person who hurt you. You can heal. Your marriage can survive this. It will take time and a whole lot of prayer, but I believe it can be done.

I know it might feel strange, but spend some time alone with God. There is no one on earth who will love you like He does. God will never disappoint you! Get on the floor and tell Him every single thing you are feeling. Tell Him how much it hurts and that you are worried that you'll never be able to trust again. Cry, cry and cry! Listen to some good music. Take a lot of baths. Get a manicure and pedicure. It's a lot less expensive than a divorce.

Dedicate your life to making your marriage better than it has ever been. While you are trying to forgive your spouse, be kind to him. Show him the kind of love you don't think he deserves right now. Can you imagine praying for this person and for the other woman who broke up your family? Ask God for a miracle and Believe Him to do what you know in your heart is utterly impossible without Him. If you're not sure there is a God, beg Him to show Himself to you. Keep praying to Him. If you do not own a Bible, please e-mail me and I would be honored to send you my favorite one.

I'm thanking God right now for being with me even when I didn't know it... and for giving me another chance to get it right with my current husband. I'm still trying to get it right! If He healed my heart, He can heal yours as well! You will find Joy again, and you'll feel SO good about yourself because you did the hard work. It will be SO worth it!

All of my love and compassion,
Angie xoxo