one month later...

Dear Mom,

It's been exactly one month since you passed away.  Your funeral was just what you wanted. All of your children and grandchildren were here.  Your great-grandchildren were here as well. The outpouring of loving-kindness was incredible.  So many people came to see us and many with meals, flowers, hugs, donations and Masses. The cards still keep coming in the mail.  Pastor Jim did a great job and people are still talking about it. You looked amazing. It always seems strange when people say that, but it is really true. I have some new plants and I really hope I can keep them alive.  You were the plant queen and I didn't get that gene.

We got your place completely cleaned out before Patricia came. It worked out perfectly that she moved back to Michigan and we didn't have to worry about selling your place.  I got your fireplace and I'm not sure I'm going to keep it. If not, Patricia wants it. It doesn't really go in our house like it did in yours. I wanted so much to call you to tell you to come over and see it since you and I talked about me getting one for my kitchen.

It worked out well the way we all took a turn to choose what we wanted.  I got your cream and sugar back.  You know, the one that you tried to give me years ago and you got upset that I didn't have it out because it wasn't my style?  Remember how you said the kids broke it when it was down in our lower level?  Well, I couldn't find where it was broken.  Did you fix it without telling me?  For some reason, now it goes perfectly up here and I love it more than ever.  I'll cherish it because it was yours.  Meghan wanted the charcoal picture of you and Dad... and me. Isn't that cute?   John was happy to get your clock and the big t.v. we bought you for Mother's Day.  I'll never forget the look on your face when we gave it to you. We got more out of it than you did!  All in all, I was reminded that it was all just "stuff".

The worst part was when I saw the leftovers that no one wanted (that meant so much to you) and it broke my heart.  I also lost it when I had the urge to to look in your pill case. I saw where Wednesday's pills were gone, but you didn't take them on Thursday. It was a reality check.  All of a sudden I really wanted to know exactly when you passed away and exactly why.  We never did an autopsy.  We know you had so many issues and Naze swears it must have been your heart, but there is something in me that wonders for sure.  How long were you there alone? You were so unlike Dad in that you wanted everyone with you when you were sick and Dad wanted to be alone.  When he died most of us were there and you were alone. I'm sorry.

To be honest, this past month has been completely draining.  I pretty much just went through the motions.  I haven't felt like working out as much as usual and it has affected my mood. I just didn't have the energy.  I got the worst sore throat and cough and had to have my first root canal.  I am reminded of the times you took such good care of me after I had both of my kids, when I learned that Tim was leaving and when I had to have my wisdom teeth extracted. You were so good to me.

You'll be happy to know I finally got my haircut yesterday. As much as I tried to grow it (against your wishes), it just wasn't me. I know, you are laughing.  It was weighing me down and made me look older. Meghan and Lincoln agreed that it looks like I've aged since June! Then, when Linc saw my haircut he had the nerve to ask me why I did it?!  Strange. Guys are so weird.  :)

Everybody else seems to be doing okay.  We have all needed more connection with each other than usual.  As I look back, after Dad died and you were still with us it felt like he was still here. I'm not sure if this makes sense, but it's different having you both gone.

When I went to St. John's a couple of weeks ago I regretted not insisting that we have a funeral Mass for you.  The Catholic church was such a huge part of your life for so many years and I wished we had celebrated just one more Mass together.  Oh, well it was still very nice.

I can pretend you are still at home, waiting for me to call to encourage you to go to church with me tomorrow or to ask if you want to go for a ride.  But I have no doubt you wouldn't want to be anyplace than where you are at this very moment.  I am happy.

I miss you and love you.

Your 6th child,
Annie