The first question in my book was centered around keepsakes and family heirlooms and I find it pretty funny. Anyone who knows me well knows I don't like to save a lot of stuff, and I enjoy purging more than collecting. I have been known to say, "If I can't wear it or eat it I don't need it." To date I have lived in the same house for 38 years. It could be filled with a ton of extra stuff but I'm pretty much a minimalist and can't handle a lot of extra stuff. I have several bins of photos though, and that stresses me out.
I think previous generations cared more about keepsakes than mine and I'm pretty sure it's because they have lived through a Depression and they really know the value of a dollar. My dad collected elephants and my mom gave me a fancy cream and sugar (another story!) that she loved more than me. Now that they are gone, I like them a little more but don't tell anyone... I don't hold them near to my heart. I love that they loved them though.
I have decided that at 62 years old, I only want to be surrounded by things that bring me Joy. I remember several years ago challenging myself to not buy any clothing for a solid year. I kept my promise to myself and only broke it once and it was worth it. I had to go to my daughter Meghan's surprise 30th birthday party hosted by my ex-husband and his wife. Trust me when I say that I had to look and feel my best that day. I bought a jumpsuit that I wore several different ways. But all in all I enjoyed the challenge and found it pretty easy.
If I really think about family heirlooms, I'm hoping my gold bracelet turns into one and gets passed down to Meghan and I'm hoping John will want a diamond for someone special one day. But again, these are just "things." I read this question the other day and tried hard thinking about something that really means a lot to me. I love the baby ring with Meghan's initials on it and I love John's Hustle Award that he received at basketball camp. I think they might have both already taken them and they aren't even mine anyway. Ha! If the house was on fire I would try my hardest to get my first Bible with all of my notes in it. The binding is shattered and it is held together by some Michigan State tape.
If you have a drawer full of luxury candles... USE THEM! Please don't save them. Do the same with all of the other nice things you own. Don't save those special shoes or sweaters. Don't buy a lot of clothes... Buy a few cashmere sweaters and wear them over and over and over again. They are amazing! Use your nice dishes... Always!
My Grandson's are 4.5 and 2.5 The last time I was in Seattle to see them, they said a couple of the cutest things ever...
F. (4.5)said, "Ridiclius... Re-dick-li-ous." He couldn't get the word, ridiculous no matter how many times he tried. It was so cute. He and I love to go to Target when I go see him. We were lucky enough to have a whole day, just the two of us. Somehow my GPS took us downtown to a Target that was in a little sketchy area. Since I (and his mom!!) were a little worried I quickly wanted to leave. I didn't want to worry him, so I just said we weren't "fans" of that one because they didn't have a good toy selection. It probably wasn't the greatest word to teach him, but I was nervous... to say the least!
R. (2.5) said in a deep, somewhat angry voice, "Those are your choices!!" (while pointing his finger). He was referring to his mom asking what he wanted for breakfast or lunch. It was priceless.
I couldn't love those little boys more. My daughter makes me feel like we live across the street from each other, and not across the country!
I wish I was a Peloton instructor who travels around the world with a bike and a Go Pro. When I don't feel like jumping on mine (as I don't right now!), it seems a ride somewhere far away gives me the motivation I need.
If you could do anything you wanted, what would you do if money and location was no concern? I love that question.
Does this happen to you? My husband takes a lot of pictures of me. Isn't that sweet? I get so critical when he shows them to me. At the time they were taken I didn't like the pictures of myself for whatever reason (mainly wrinkles + chubby cheeks). But a year later I think, "Wow, I looked okay back then." Next year this time will I think I looked better last year!
Trust me... Embrace wherever you are today. You are beautiful and you'll look back next year and think the same thing!
I'm so out of practice writing that I don't even know where to begin. This is going to be messy. I'm not writing this for anyone but myself. Perhaps maybe when I'm long gone, my kids and grandkids might stumble upon it.
I never would have thought a song would be the "sign" I was looking for/ praying for/ begging God for a month ago when my kid's dad passed away. He and I divorced twenty eight years ago; we got married forty years ago, and we were married for twelve years.
I honestly didn't dwell on this and it rarely came to mind, but somewhere deep down I had this fantasy that I was sure I was going to be the last person on earth he would want to talk to before he took his last breath. I just knew he wanted to tell me how sorry he was for... everything. Yes, I had gone through counseling years and years and years ago. I learned to understand to the best of my ability all of the reasons it had to happen. Yes, there were many lessons and yes, I take responsibility for my part.
As it turns out, I don't think I was on his radar. At. All. He was able to say goodbye to our kids on the phone. He also spoke with the rest of his loved ones. That was a sweet blessing for him and for them. God gave them the sweetest gift! I talked with my daughter right after she said goodbye to him. I felt so badly for her!
I felt like I had one chance to tell him a few things myself, so I called his wife and asked to talk with him. She told me he was sleeping and I asked if she would please put the phone up to his ear. It was the ugliest, hardest, messiest thing I have had to do in my life. Looking back it felt like I was in a movie. I told him everything I needed to say. And I told him I forgave him. His wife said he opened his eyes a little bit. I am so glad I made that call. He passed away about an hour later. I have no idea if he heard a single word of it, or if he talked with anyone after me. I needed him to go in Peace. He was good to me even though things turned out the way they did. I am glad he didn't have to think of something profound to tell me. I wondered though... did he have any regrets? I will never know.
My kids and I spent the next few days sharing photos. They wanted pictures of themselves with their dad when they were young. Looking through the bins of photos brought back so many memories. The history we had together during the most special time of my life, having our kids together and those early years were precious. A lot of healing took place in the basement sorting through those pictures.
I had a hard time trying to keep all of the thoughts to myself. It is complicated when you're remarried. Thank God my husband was pretty understanding. I needed to process it all.
Since he was in Tuscon, my daughter and her family are in Seattle, and my son is in Denver I didn't know how to "be there" for any of them. Also, when you are the only parent left there is a sense of responsibility unlike anything I have known, so I want to handle this the best way I know. I quicky bought plane tickets to be with both of my kids separately.
When I was on the plane on my way home from Seattle I think I got a "sign" from him. Looking out the window a song came on my playlist that I had just added recently from a trip to Holland with friends. It was a gift for just me and brought tears to my eyes. I had never really heard the song before, so the words were precious to me. I don't even know if I believe in "signs" but I'm going to accept it anyway.
I really wish there was some kind of rule book for when you are divorced from you kid's other parent and they pass away. You feel like such an outsider. You hear bits and pieces from your kids. You only want to be caring, loving and supportive. You grieved their loss years ago. It brings back so many complicated emotions, and it definitely brings closure.
Here it is...
Windows Are Rolled Down
Look up child, the world is born
Shoe's untied, and your soles are worn
Windows are rolled down
Sun is setting high
Windows are rolled down
I'm fixin' to die
Corn rows have companion feel
This rocky road and this steering wheel
Who do you call to ease your pain?
I hope for you to get through this rain
Windows are rolled down
Moon is hanging low
Windows are rolled down
Think it's time for me to go, hey-ay-ay-aaah-ay
Is it what you dreamed it'd be?
Are you locked up in this fantasy?
Oh, these miles that have torn us apart
My new found faith and my broken heart
Windows are rolled down
Sun is rising high
Windows are rolled down
Feel that wind rushing by, hey-ay-ay-aaah
Okay, it's time to get back to blogging... and especially being intentional about counting my blessings. This is a great little space to get some things out of my head and on paper. It's the second of February and I can't think of a better day to start than today... or maybe tomorrow since I spent too much time trying to get a better look. As you can see, it's just as plain... and I'm trying not to care. ;)
