RIP My kid's Dad

I'm so out of practice writing that I don't even know where to begin. This is going to be messy. I'm not writing this for anyone but myself. Perhaps maybe when I'm long gone, my kids and grandkids might stumble upon it.

I never would have thought a song would be the "sign" I was looking for/ praying for/ begging God for a month ago when my kid's dad passed away. He and I divorced twenty eight years ago; we got married forty years ago, and we were married for twelve years.

I honestly didn't dwell on this and it rarely came to mind, but somewhere deep down I had this fantasy that I was sure I was going to be the last person on earth he would want to talk to before he took his last breath. I just knew he wanted to tell me how sorry he was for... everything. Yes, I had gone through counseling years and years and years ago. I learned to understand to the best of my ability all of the reasons it had to happen. Yes, there were many lessons and yes, I take responsibility for my part.

As it turns out, I don't think I was on his radar. At. All. He was able to say goodbye to our kids on the phone. He also spoke with the rest of his loved ones. That was a sweet blessing for him and for them. God gave them the sweetest gift! I talked with my daughter right after she said goodbye to him. I felt so badly for her!

I felt like I had one chance to tell him a few things myself, so I called his wife and asked to talk with him. She told me he was sleeping and I asked if she would please put the phone up to his ear. It was the ugliest, hardest, messiest thing I have had to do in my life. Looking back it felt like I was in a movie. I told him everything I needed to say. And I told him I forgave him. His wife said he opened his eyes a little bit. I am so glad I made that call. He passed away about an hour later. I have no idea if he heard a single word of it, or if he talked with anyone after me. I needed him to go in Peace. He was good to me even though things turned out the way they did. I am glad he didn't have to think of something profound to tell me. I wondered though... did he have any regrets? I will never know.

My kids and I spent the next few days sharing photos. They wanted pictures of themselves with their dad when they were young. Looking through the bins of photos brought back so many memories. The history we had together during the most special time of my life, having our kids together and those early years were precious. A lot of healing took place in the basement sorting through those pictures.

I had a hard time trying to keep all of the thoughts to myself. It is complicated when you're remarried. Thank God my husband was pretty understanding. I needed to process it all.

Since he was in Tuscon, my daughter and her family are in Seattle, and my son is in Denver I didn't know how to "be there" for any of them. Also, when you are the only parent left there is a sense of responsibility unlike anything I have known, so I want to handle this the best way I know. I quicky bought plane tickets to be with both of my kids separately.

When I was on the plane on my way home from Seattle I think I got a "sign" from him. Looking out the window a song came on my playlist that I had just added recently from a trip to Holland with friends. It was a gift for just me and brought tears to my eyes. I had never really heard the song before, so the words were precious to me. I don't even know if I believe in "signs" but I'm going to accept it anyway.

I really wish there was some kind of rule book for when you are divorced from you kid's other parent and they pass away. You feel like such an outsider. You hear bits and pieces from your kids. You only want to be caring, loving and supportive. You grieved their loss years ago. It brings back so many complicated emotions, and it definitely brings closure.

Here it is...

Windows Are Rolled Down

Look up child, the world is born Shoe's untied, and your soles are worn Windows are rolled down Sun is setting high Windows are rolled down I'm fixin' to die

Corn rows have companion feel This rocky road and this steering wheel Who do you call to ease your pain? I hope for you to get through this rain

Windows are rolled down Moon is hanging low Windows are rolled down Think it's time for me to go, hey-ay-ay-aaah-ay

Is it what you dreamed it'd be? Are you locked up in this fantasy? Oh, these miles that have torn us apart My new found faith and my broken heart

Windows are rolled down Sun is rising high Windows are rolled down Feel that wind rushing by, hey-ay-ay-aaah

Windows are rolled down

I'm sure I'm the only one who "gets it.":)

RIP "Babers"